Religious Jokes :

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it''s too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says ''bridge out'' instead?"

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don''t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried."For cryin'' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn''t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he''d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, ''Father, forgive me for I have sinned.''The priest asks, ''What did you do?''The woman says, ''I committed adultery.''The priest says, ''How many times?'' And the woman replies, ''Three.''Priest: ''Say two Hail Mary''s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.''A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, ''Father forgive me for I have sinned.''''What did you do?''I committed adultery.'' r''How many times?''''Three times.''The priest says, ''Say two Hail Mary''s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.''The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he''s got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, ''Father, forgive me for I have sinned.''The rabbi says, ''What did you do?''The woman replies, ''I committed adultery.''The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, ''How many times?''The woman replies, ''Once.''The rabbi said, ''Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.''

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he''s in serious financial trouble. He''s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray"God, please help me, I''ve lost my business and if I don''t get some money, I''m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Jacob goes back to the synagogue."God, please let me win the lotto, I''ve lost my business, my house and I''m going to lose my car as well".Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!Back to the synagogue."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I''ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don''t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won''t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"