Dog Jokes :

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I''m sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I''m tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "I''d like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don''t want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I''lll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it''s never won a race in it''s life!"

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please don''t be like that, I''m trained and I won''t cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it''s owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "It''s ok he''s gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he''s never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it''s wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You''ve had me worried sick, what''s the matter with you you''ve never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "I''ve never had a fiver before!"

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that''s him," he replied. The stranger couldn''t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn''t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."